In this article I am going to list all the types fo girls that you do not want to date and i will also include the reason why at least i never get the right one.
Girl Type 1. The Golddigger. Now everyone knows what this girl is all about she wants your money. Problem is you can't always spot them right away. Some of these girls are actually really nice to you they pay attention to you, but do not let on that they want your money. some of them have even been known to offer to pay for their own food at dates and things like that. This is for 2 reasons. 1. they know you have money so they know you will not make them pay for their own dinner(at least not if you want a chance in hell at every getting any) and 2. because they want to lull you into a false sense of security. Now you think you know why these girls are bad but you really do not know the half of it. A friend of mine no names, Met this girl. She showed an interest in him when he needed it most. He ended up dating her and she got him doing all the drugs that she loved to do and as a result he lost his business and ditched the bitch.
Moral of the story you won't only lose your money with the wrong girls and the wrong situation you could lose your life. Every cloud may have a silver lining but lightning kills thousands of people every year that go searching for it.
Girl Type 2. The Manic Depressive. Again these girls may not just jump out of the woodwork at you. although if you pay attention the warning signals will slap you across the face. First off these girls can be a ton of fun and if they are on medication for the affliction then you may never know how close you are to being axe murdered. You hear me talk about a waitress who is a psychopath. The girl i was describing there is one of these, another friend of minemet her in a bar on karaoke night she asked him to dance and he said no, she went into the bathroom and tried slashing her wrists. Now sadly my Friend like many guys has a bit of a messiah complex so he felt that he could "help" this girl. WRONG........WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG. If a girl is trying to slash her wrists in the bathroom of a karaoke bar run away run far far away. That should just be a no brainer. Fear: Until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore, you will not know the terror of being forever lost at sea.
Girl Type 3. The Janice Type. Anybody who has ever watched the show freinds knows who Janice is. Now i do not mean just girls like Janice. The Janice type is any girl that is compltely iritating and the sound of he voice makes you die iside just a little. This could be from many things, mabye this girl has an annoying laugh, or mabye she snorts, or mabye she does not know how to pronounce something or mabye she is stupid enough that you have to fake an anyeurysm to get out of a date with her because the day after Pierre Trudeau dies she does not know who Pierre Trudeau is. Now you may be asking yourself if the girl is that annoying why would i date her in the first place. its simple. Beauty: If you're attractive enough on the outside, people will forgive you for being irritating to the core.
Girl Type 4. The Internet Tech Suport Chick. This story is very personal to me. My Girlfriend Jess and I were on a Break(it lasted like 3 weeks) And one day I ended up having to call internet Tech support. There was a girl on the other end and in between the computer restarting and the troubleshooting we got the opportunity to chat a bit. Her name was Cynthia. About three days after the conversation, I got a call from Cynthia she wanted to know if i wanted to meet her for coffee sometime. I asked her how she got my number, she played up to my ego and told me that she thought I had sounded so nice on the phone and since I had meantioned the Jessica thing when we talked she knew I was "single" at least for the time being and she figured i wouldn't mind her looking my number up on her work database. I agreed thinking what could the harm be. she actually seemed really cool. She was nice, intelligent, she ended up being pretty attractive as well I figured this could be cool. So we decided to go to the movies later that week.
We went to the mayfair and saw a double bill of Blade and Resident Evil, it was pretty good and afterwardss we went out for a beer. We agreed that we would meet again sometime but becasue of work I was not able to give a specific time.
After that Jess and I resumed our relationship and I thought nothing more of Cynthia. About a month and a half later Jess and i were walking down Rideau Street and we ran into Cynthia, she started right in on Jess "what the fuck are you doing with my boyfriend?" fortunately i had told Jess about Cynthia or this could have been a disaster."Tim is my boyfriend, he only went to the movies and coffe get over it" the chick attacked her and Jess decked her(i have never been so proud of any girl in my life)
About a week later the Cynthia showed up at my apartment begging me tellng me she would forgive me for cheating on her and that we could work things out. I asked her how she had my address cause i had never told her. She said she looked it up in the database at work. I told her to get lost and leave me alone. Two days later she started calling me at work. and dropping in. Eventually I had to get a restraining order put on her. Madness: Madness does not always howl. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "Hey, is there room in your head for one more?
Now as for me there is are 3 reasons I never get the girl that I truly want. 1. I am to shy to tell her how I feel, and am worried that I may get rejected. 2. I already had the girl of my dreams and i fucked it up hardcore(hindsight is always 20/20) and 3. Julian. Yes thats right my "best friend"Julian every time i meet a girl that i am interested in and he is single (becasue we both have the same taste in girls) they end up going for him and not me. Simply because Julian is more charismatic and he's 6'2 with black hair so he has the whole Tall dark and Handsome thing going. Fortunately every time that has happened where the girl went for him it has ended horribly I don't know if thats Karma or just lifes sick joke.
God is a comedian Playing to an audience that is afraid to laugh. Voltaire
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Tim Kelley Porn King..........not really but .. hell just read
My Parents belong to a church that owns a campground not too far outside of Ottawa near Perth. I have been going to that campground for weekends during the summer and every summer since i got adopted for a Function called reunion. Reunion consists of many of the church families getting together for a week long camp in July. Many of the people that belong to the Church are my family so needless to say this story should never have hapened but it did.
It was the summer that i was 20 years old. I had decided to volunteer to DJ the Youth dance this year, now most of my music was in mp3 form on my computer but i did have a few cds so I brought all the cds I had and brought my computer as well. My Uncle Jeff and i had been talking about all the trouble that him and my Uncle Evan used to get into.
Now for the most part thins went pretty well, I had a few games so I let some of the little kids play them if they wanted and thought nothing of it.
Friday morning comes along My Fiance Crystal is supposed to be meeting me at the campgound today and i am very excited I had not seen her all week and it would be nice to see her. It is about 9 am when i wake up and all the youth come running up to me and say that my aunt Bartb has been looking for me all morning. Apparently the dance has been cancelled and its all my fault.
I decide to head to my aunt Barbs trailer right away to see if i can acertain what the hell is going on. She catches me near the Main building on the grounds and there tells me that i am no longer allowed at the campgrounds and that i should pack my things and find a way back home.
I freak and ask her what the hell for why am i being kicked offout of a camp that a) i belong to and b) consists mostly of my family.
This is what happened.
Early that moning after a potluck breakfast that I decided to sleep through, a couple of the kids had gone upstairs in the building to use my computer to play some games like i had told them i could. But i had forgotten that i had a couple of "Questionable Cd's" the main one that cause the stir was a CD with a picture of Carmen Electra Nude on the front. I appologised and told my aunt that I had had no intention of playing that cd I just brought all my cds cause there were so few of them. She told me it didn't matter.
We ended up getting together with my mom and my cousins and came up with a compromise we would go through all my cds and asses which ones could not be played and she would hold onto them i said fie seeing as how i had no intention of playing them anyways. but by that tie the damage had already been done. Ethel Barbs sister had already told all the parents aht i had been showng the kids porn on my computer.
I ran into Jeff just before linch and he looked disgusted at me. I explained to him the actual story and that is when he told me what Ethel had told everyone. He the proceeded to give Ethel the reaming of a lifetime.(side note ethel and i have not spoken since) I was given a public apology. But i was still pissed that my own family had thought that i was capable of something like that.
It was the summer that i was 20 years old. I had decided to volunteer to DJ the Youth dance this year, now most of my music was in mp3 form on my computer but i did have a few cds so I brought all the cds I had and brought my computer as well. My Uncle Jeff and i had been talking about all the trouble that him and my Uncle Evan used to get into.
Now for the most part thins went pretty well, I had a few games so I let some of the little kids play them if they wanted and thought nothing of it.
Friday morning comes along My Fiance Crystal is supposed to be meeting me at the campgound today and i am very excited I had not seen her all week and it would be nice to see her. It is about 9 am when i wake up and all the youth come running up to me and say that my aunt Bartb has been looking for me all morning. Apparently the dance has been cancelled and its all my fault.
I decide to head to my aunt Barbs trailer right away to see if i can acertain what the hell is going on. She catches me near the Main building on the grounds and there tells me that i am no longer allowed at the campgrounds and that i should pack my things and find a way back home.
I freak and ask her what the hell for why am i being kicked offout of a camp that a) i belong to and b) consists mostly of my family.
This is what happened.
Early that moning after a potluck breakfast that I decided to sleep through, a couple of the kids had gone upstairs in the building to use my computer to play some games like i had told them i could. But i had forgotten that i had a couple of "Questionable Cd's" the main one that cause the stir was a CD with a picture of Carmen Electra Nude on the front. I appologised and told my aunt that I had had no intention of playing that cd I just brought all my cds cause there were so few of them. She told me it didn't matter.
We ended up getting together with my mom and my cousins and came up with a compromise we would go through all my cds and asses which ones could not be played and she would hold onto them i said fie seeing as how i had no intention of playing them anyways. but by that tie the damage had already been done. Ethel Barbs sister had already told all the parents aht i had been showng the kids porn on my computer.
I ran into Jeff just before linch and he looked disgusted at me. I explained to him the actual story and that is when he told me what Ethel had told everyone. He the proceeded to give Ethel the reaming of a lifetime.(side note ethel and i have not spoken since) I was given a public apology. But i was still pissed that my own family had thought that i was capable of something like that.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Tim gets Kicked out of his house.
October 18 1995
Well I am 16 years old. My life has not been uber shitty up to this point. Sure I had, had a realtively traumatizing childhood, abuse all that kind of stuff but i had gotten out of that when i got adopted. My mothers Aunt and Uncle were now my Parents my cousins were now my brothers, My mom was my cousin and my grand parents were not my aunts and uncles( a little confused? imagine how I felt at 9 years old). So my Aunt Mother and Uncle Father who I will from hereafter refer to as mom and dad (unless otherwise specified) treated me really well, I got pretty much everything I wanted(within reason) , and my life was infinitely better than it had been previous to that. For some reason though I could not keep myself out of trouble. It wasn't for lack of knowledge or boredom, just for some reason which to this day I still do not understand I was not able to diminish my criminal instincts. I was caught shoplifting more times that i can actually count not to mention I stole things from my family. So it should not have come as a shock to me.
So here I am 16 years old my parents don't trust me as far as the can throw me simply because I havee never given them any reason to, everytime they tried to do something that would extend their trust I would do something stupid to fuck it up. So as I said the Date is October 18th 1995 I decide that today I am going to once again skip school because I am bored, but there is nothing for me to do so I break into my own house(obviously my parents did not trust me enough to give me a key) and then I make quite possibler the stupidest descision I have ever made in my life(or at least up until that point) I decide that hell it was so easy to break into my own house hell lets try the neighbours as well. My parents lived in a condominium complex so the houses were attached, all I did was go into our attic and kick the wall down Voila I was in my neighbours house.
I don't actually remember stealing anything I was just there to see if I could do it and to see what their house looked like. They had a really nice piano in their living room and generally their house was pretty nice. I left through their front door leaving it unlocked ad proceeded to hit the mall. The only problem was(and I did not know this at the time) but stupid amature me had left my boy scouts flashlight with my name engraved on it on my neighbours desk.
As I was on my way back home from the mall I noticed 2 police cars out in front of my house and I knew I had been busted. I went and hid in some bushes for what seemed like forever until the police left and then non chalantly walked in my house to my mom on the phone with my aunt Diane explaining that she could take it no longer and that she was going to make me leave. Being a pig headed 16 year old I got pissed and started packing getting angry at her for punishing me for my own stupidity. I look back on it now and I know I would have done the same but then all I could think was how mad i was not because I was being kicked out but simply because i had gotten caught.
Now I had run away from home many times before but there was always one thing I had known in the back of my head. no matter how long I stayed away for or where I went. There was always a home for me to come back to. But when I had finished packing all my stuff and was heading out the door my mother didn't even say a word to me, I just walked out and the minute I was out of the house the door slammed and I heard it lock. Then all at once the gravity of the situation hit me. There was no going back I did not have a home anymore. For the first time in my life I was truly terrified because I did not know what I was going to do or where I was going to go.
From that point on I knew my life was never going to be the same.
Well I am 16 years old. My life has not been uber shitty up to this point. Sure I had, had a realtively traumatizing childhood, abuse all that kind of stuff but i had gotten out of that when i got adopted. My mothers Aunt and Uncle were now my Parents my cousins were now my brothers, My mom was my cousin and my grand parents were not my aunts and uncles( a little confused? imagine how I felt at 9 years old). So my Aunt Mother and Uncle Father who I will from hereafter refer to as mom and dad (unless otherwise specified) treated me really well, I got pretty much everything I wanted(within reason) , and my life was infinitely better than it had been previous to that. For some reason though I could not keep myself out of trouble. It wasn't for lack of knowledge or boredom, just for some reason which to this day I still do not understand I was not able to diminish my criminal instincts. I was caught shoplifting more times that i can actually count not to mention I stole things from my family. So it should not have come as a shock to me.
So here I am 16 years old my parents don't trust me as far as the can throw me simply because I havee never given them any reason to, everytime they tried to do something that would extend their trust I would do something stupid to fuck it up. So as I said the Date is October 18th 1995 I decide that today I am going to once again skip school because I am bored, but there is nothing for me to do so I break into my own house(obviously my parents did not trust me enough to give me a key) and then I make quite possibler the stupidest descision I have ever made in my life(or at least up until that point) I decide that hell it was so easy to break into my own house hell lets try the neighbours as well. My parents lived in a condominium complex so the houses were attached, all I did was go into our attic and kick the wall down Voila I was in my neighbours house.
I don't actually remember stealing anything I was just there to see if I could do it and to see what their house looked like. They had a really nice piano in their living room and generally their house was pretty nice. I left through their front door leaving it unlocked ad proceeded to hit the mall. The only problem was(and I did not know this at the time) but stupid amature me had left my boy scouts flashlight with my name engraved on it on my neighbours desk.
As I was on my way back home from the mall I noticed 2 police cars out in front of my house and I knew I had been busted. I went and hid in some bushes for what seemed like forever until the police left and then non chalantly walked in my house to my mom on the phone with my aunt Diane explaining that she could take it no longer and that she was going to make me leave. Being a pig headed 16 year old I got pissed and started packing getting angry at her for punishing me for my own stupidity. I look back on it now and I know I would have done the same but then all I could think was how mad i was not because I was being kicked out but simply because i had gotten caught.
Now I had run away from home many times before but there was always one thing I had known in the back of my head. no matter how long I stayed away for or where I went. There was always a home for me to come back to. But when I had finished packing all my stuff and was heading out the door my mother didn't even say a word to me, I just walked out and the minute I was out of the house the door slammed and I heard it lock. Then all at once the gravity of the situation hit me. There was no going back I did not have a home anymore. For the first time in my life I was truly terrified because I did not know what I was going to do or where I was going to go.
From that point on I knew my life was never going to be the same.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Tim and Julian Hitchhike to Halifax Final Chapter
September 4th 2002
3AM
I just get home from the bar and Dais sitting outside looking like a parent who just found out their child was a crack fiend prostitute. He had this I'm very disapointed in you look on his face, Julian just sepped over hime but Dan stopped me.
The conversation went something like this.
Dan: Dude we need to talk about Julian.
Me: Man can this wait I'm fucking tired and I have had a shitty day.
Dan: This will be quick you have to tell him he is gone.
Me: Why? what has he done?
Dan: He owes rent for this month and i think he's obnoxious
Me: First it's only the 4th of the month and he gets paid on friday. Second he's my best friend I have known him since I was 9 years old, you want him out you tell him but don't expect me to back you up.
With that I decided to leave and go to bed.
9:00 AM
I wake up to silence in the apartment oh god this is bliss, then I remember the day I had before and wonder when my boss is going to call and tell me not to bother coming in today or ever for that matter. I go out to the living room and Julian is there watching T.V.
Julian: I broke up with Melinda last night because she was just doing too much PCP.
Me: So do I bother getting ready for work or do I just start looking for a new job?
Julian: We should just get the fuck out of dodge for a bit
Me: Go where?
Julain: Grab a map.
Me: Why?
Julain: Just get one.
I run to my room and grab my atlas that I used in grade 10 geography.
Me: Here.
Julian flipped to a double page with a map of Canada.
Julain: Now close your eyes and point.
Nova Scotia is where I pointed so Halifax is where we went. We rook eveyting that either of us had of value to the pawn shop to sell to see how much money we could get. We ended up woth $169 total, we decided that it would be easier to take a bus to Montreal find day labour in Montreal save enough money to get to the next city so on and so forth. We bought our tickets and boarded the bus not letting anyone know, I was to pissed at my sister inlaw to bother calling my brother and besides Julian said it was alot easier to just disappear if no-one knew where you were going or had the ability to try and talk you out of it, I had to agree.
2 hours later we were in Downtown montreal with no clue where anything was, unfortunately becasue there was some huge concert at the Arena downtown that day nobody downtown Montreal, knew where they were either. We ended up walking arond aimlessly for what seemed like hours until we finally hit the strip. we decided that we were going to go see a movie,(the first in a string of bad descisions) for some reason the only one we had not seen at the there was Blue Crush and we decided what the hell lets go see it(the 2nd bad descision).We got out of the movie sometime close to midnight and becasue it was a Tuesday there was nothing going on. I had a freind in montreal but i could not get a hold of her anymore so we had no place to stay. nobody knew anything about the city and we were going nuts tryring to figure out what we were going to do so we made a descision(you can guess it was bad) we took a bus to the edge of the city and then decided to hitchhike the rest of the way to Halifax. The time was 1am. You can imagine the response we had.
After what seemed like forever but in reality was only probably 1 and a half to 2 hours we got out first ride, unfortunately for Julian they only spoke french and because am not in the least bilingual he was the one who had to stay up talkjing to them while I passed out in the back seat.
That driver drove us probably about 2 hours when we were let out we decided that it was too late for anything now we could not turn back so we pressed on. A guy stopped and told us that it was illeagal to hitchike in Quebec and that we should pray not to get caught which lead to us playing a game called is that a cop and diving into the ditch everytime we saw a car coming. you can imagine how well that worked for us trying to get rides. Eventually we were picked up by a trucker who drove us just outside of Quebec city. we grabbed breakfast at the local burger king and set out on our merry way once again. We got a few rides that took us 20 kms here 30kms there and were then picked up by a trucker not too far from the Quebec New Brunswick border. Now this trucker was cool as shit but at the same time he scared the crap out of us.
After 2 or 3 hours driving with this guy and shooting the shit about pretty much everything under the sun he asks us if we would like to see a picture of his wife. We are like sure(being friendly ehat harm can be done right?)Wrong he pulls out a stack of polaroids with pictures of his exeedingly obese wife naked in a cage wearing bondage gear with a ball gag in her mouth. Julian and I both almost open the door and jump out of the moving trcuk saying fuck it to all our gear and everything just to get away from this guy. His first question to us is: "Shes hot no?" we both in unison are like No!
The trucker then peoceeds to ask us if we need some sleep we are lik eyes we are bushed. He pulls the truck over and puts his table in the back down to make a bed, its small and i have to lay in the back while julian lays in the fron, it is a little tight so we have to lay looking at eachothers feet plus it just fetlt less gay that way. At least that was until he put up a leather mesh in front of us caging us in, he said it was for our safety in case he had to make a sudden stop, we thought he was going to hack us up in our sleep for saying his wife was not hot.
He lets us out at the nova Scotia New Brunswick border we are both happy to be so far and ecstatic to be away from him. Its approximately 1am on September 6th and we figure we are making great time. We grab a pack of cigarretes and some food with the last of our money, and then decide once again to be on our merry. We walk across the border and start at it we get about 5 kilometers and say fuck it not a single ride, so what do we do we vreak into the welcome center at the border and sleep there till morning hoping that that will bring us better fortune.
It's roughly 7:30 am when we wake up and head for the highway there is little traffic but it was more than the night before so we think we are good. So we walk, and we walk, and we walk some more, its is 1:30 in the afternoon before we get a ride we get a trucker who drives us to 6kms outside of the city limits. Now had we been familiar with the city then as we would become later we would have known that we could have gotten off at the same overpass he dropped us at and then caught a bus downtown therefore avoiding the 2 massive bridges going over Halifax harbour, from Dartmouth to Halifax. The reason we had to avoid the bridges was for one simple reason anytime Julian was near anything high he turned white and began to shake like a child, not because he was afraind of bridges but becasue everytime he crossed one he had an uncontrolable urge to see of he could fly(this stemmed from years of reading comic books and trying to be like Superman. Also I think it may have had alot to do with Julian reading the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy there is a line in one of the books that says "There is an art to flying or rather an knack, and the knack lies in flinging yourself violently at the ground and missing" there are many times when Julian and I were younger where he would suddenly out of nowhere fling himself at the ground just on the off chance that that day would be the day that he missed.)
As we were dropped in Dartmouth by our last ride and not knowing about the ferry acroos the harbour julian almost made the conious descision to go back to Ottawa, he was adamant that there was no way he was walking across that bridge. Eventually after alot of convincing we began our trek across the bridge I have never laughed so hard in my life as when a large semi went passed and shook the entire bridge I only laughed because it was the first time in 13 years of friendship that I had ever thought Julian was going to cry. Of course he didn't but just the thought that it might happen was good enough for me.
Finally we were in Halifax and thus our journey was over, we had reached our destination.
3AM
I just get home from the bar and Dais sitting outside looking like a parent who just found out their child was a crack fiend prostitute. He had this I'm very disapointed in you look on his face, Julian just sepped over hime but Dan stopped me.
The conversation went something like this.
Dan: Dude we need to talk about Julian.
Me: Man can this wait I'm fucking tired and I have had a shitty day.
Dan: This will be quick you have to tell him he is gone.
Me: Why? what has he done?
Dan: He owes rent for this month and i think he's obnoxious
Me: First it's only the 4th of the month and he gets paid on friday. Second he's my best friend I have known him since I was 9 years old, you want him out you tell him but don't expect me to back you up.
With that I decided to leave and go to bed.
9:00 AM
I wake up to silence in the apartment oh god this is bliss, then I remember the day I had before and wonder when my boss is going to call and tell me not to bother coming in today or ever for that matter. I go out to the living room and Julian is there watching T.V.
Julian: I broke up with Melinda last night because she was just doing too much PCP.
Me: So do I bother getting ready for work or do I just start looking for a new job?
Julian: We should just get the fuck out of dodge for a bit
Me: Go where?
Julain: Grab a map.
Me: Why?
Julain: Just get one.
I run to my room and grab my atlas that I used in grade 10 geography.
Me: Here.
Julian flipped to a double page with a map of Canada.
Julain: Now close your eyes and point.
Nova Scotia is where I pointed so Halifax is where we went. We rook eveyting that either of us had of value to the pawn shop to sell to see how much money we could get. We ended up woth $169 total, we decided that it would be easier to take a bus to Montreal find day labour in Montreal save enough money to get to the next city so on and so forth. We bought our tickets and boarded the bus not letting anyone know, I was to pissed at my sister inlaw to bother calling my brother and besides Julian said it was alot easier to just disappear if no-one knew where you were going or had the ability to try and talk you out of it, I had to agree.
2 hours later we were in Downtown montreal with no clue where anything was, unfortunately becasue there was some huge concert at the Arena downtown that day nobody downtown Montreal, knew where they were either. We ended up walking arond aimlessly for what seemed like hours until we finally hit the strip. we decided that we were going to go see a movie,(the first in a string of bad descisions) for some reason the only one we had not seen at the there was Blue Crush and we decided what the hell lets go see it(the 2nd bad descision).We got out of the movie sometime close to midnight and becasue it was a Tuesday there was nothing going on. I had a freind in montreal but i could not get a hold of her anymore so we had no place to stay. nobody knew anything about the city and we were going nuts tryring to figure out what we were going to do so we made a descision(you can guess it was bad) we took a bus to the edge of the city and then decided to hitchhike the rest of the way to Halifax. The time was 1am. You can imagine the response we had.
After what seemed like forever but in reality was only probably 1 and a half to 2 hours we got out first ride, unfortunately for Julian they only spoke french and because am not in the least bilingual he was the one who had to stay up talkjing to them while I passed out in the back seat.
That driver drove us probably about 2 hours when we were let out we decided that it was too late for anything now we could not turn back so we pressed on. A guy stopped and told us that it was illeagal to hitchike in Quebec and that we should pray not to get caught which lead to us playing a game called is that a cop and diving into the ditch everytime we saw a car coming. you can imagine how well that worked for us trying to get rides. Eventually we were picked up by a trucker who drove us just outside of Quebec city. we grabbed breakfast at the local burger king and set out on our merry way once again. We got a few rides that took us 20 kms here 30kms there and were then picked up by a trucker not too far from the Quebec New Brunswick border. Now this trucker was cool as shit but at the same time he scared the crap out of us.
After 2 or 3 hours driving with this guy and shooting the shit about pretty much everything under the sun he asks us if we would like to see a picture of his wife. We are like sure(being friendly ehat harm can be done right?)Wrong he pulls out a stack of polaroids with pictures of his exeedingly obese wife naked in a cage wearing bondage gear with a ball gag in her mouth. Julian and I both almost open the door and jump out of the moving trcuk saying fuck it to all our gear and everything just to get away from this guy. His first question to us is: "Shes hot no?" we both in unison are like No!
The trucker then peoceeds to ask us if we need some sleep we are lik eyes we are bushed. He pulls the truck over and puts his table in the back down to make a bed, its small and i have to lay in the back while julian lays in the fron, it is a little tight so we have to lay looking at eachothers feet plus it just fetlt less gay that way. At least that was until he put up a leather mesh in front of us caging us in, he said it was for our safety in case he had to make a sudden stop, we thought he was going to hack us up in our sleep for saying his wife was not hot.
He lets us out at the nova Scotia New Brunswick border we are both happy to be so far and ecstatic to be away from him. Its approximately 1am on September 6th and we figure we are making great time. We grab a pack of cigarretes and some food with the last of our money, and then decide once again to be on our merry. We walk across the border and start at it we get about 5 kilometers and say fuck it not a single ride, so what do we do we vreak into the welcome center at the border and sleep there till morning hoping that that will bring us better fortune.
It's roughly 7:30 am when we wake up and head for the highway there is little traffic but it was more than the night before so we think we are good. So we walk, and we walk, and we walk some more, its is 1:30 in the afternoon before we get a ride we get a trucker who drives us to 6kms outside of the city limits. Now had we been familiar with the city then as we would become later we would have known that we could have gotten off at the same overpass he dropped us at and then caught a bus downtown therefore avoiding the 2 massive bridges going over Halifax harbour, from Dartmouth to Halifax. The reason we had to avoid the bridges was for one simple reason anytime Julian was near anything high he turned white and began to shake like a child, not because he was afraind of bridges but becasue everytime he crossed one he had an uncontrolable urge to see of he could fly(this stemmed from years of reading comic books and trying to be like Superman. Also I think it may have had alot to do with Julian reading the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy there is a line in one of the books that says "There is an art to flying or rather an knack, and the knack lies in flinging yourself violently at the ground and missing" there are many times when Julian and I were younger where he would suddenly out of nowhere fling himself at the ground just on the off chance that that day would be the day that he missed.)
As we were dropped in Dartmouth by our last ride and not knowing about the ferry acroos the harbour julian almost made the conious descision to go back to Ottawa, he was adamant that there was no way he was walking across that bridge. Eventually after alot of convincing we began our trek across the bridge I have never laughed so hard in my life as when a large semi went passed and shook the entire bridge I only laughed because it was the first time in 13 years of friendship that I had ever thought Julian was going to cry. Of course he didn't but just the thought that it might happen was good enough for me.
Finally we were in Halifax and thus our journey was over, we had reached our destination.
Tim and Julian Hitchhike to Halifax Part 2
September 3rd 2002
So after getting home at 7:10am I am glad to see that I don't actualy start work till 1pm so I am able to get some sleep. I set my alarm clock for 11am that ways Julain and I both have time to get showered and shit before we have to be at work. I hit the sack and fall asleep for what seems like nanoseconds when Dan knocks on my door there is someone on the phone for me. I answer it very grogilly, it is my sister in law Joan, now I don't remember exactly how the conversation went, I do remember somethnig about me not spending enough time with my neice and nephew or talking to my brother as often as she thought I should and I remember ahnging up on her and turning off the phone to go back to sleep. But once again Dan and Charlene are fighting this time Julian gets invilved and eventually so do I. We all hate her even Dan and today is the straw the breaks the camels back and Dan boots her to the curb. We decide that tonight being a Monday we are going to hit the Bistro in Hull say hi to vince chill with Kev and the rest of the crowd and celebrate our good fortune that a)I am 23 years old and b) Charlene is out of our lives.
Julain and I make it to work on time and get dressed in our shirts and ties. We both clock in and hit the phones. Our job consists of both lead generation and then getting the leads in for open houses and trying to get them to buy a membership to our exclusive club, it was a great position and i enjoyed it immensely. Julian and I Had only been at the Job for roughly 2 weeks but we both really liked it. My sister inlaw decided that she was going to put my job in jeopardy by calling me at work and being rude to the receptionist when she said she was unable to transfer her to me(she just worked in a different department it was not possible) My boss gave me a bit of a reaming but it was understandable had I been in his position I would have done the same(none the less I was still really pissed at my sister in law). My day continued Rather uneventfully. It came time to do our open houses for the evening and none of mine decided to show up, my boss was a little upset and decided to hand me one of his deals to close. It should have been an open shut deal but i screwed it up and cost my boss $2600. Needless to say he was pissed and I was pretty sure that i no longer had a job.
Work was finished, and Julain and I headed home to comence with the celebrating, I was getting a little pissed at the fact that my sister had called me twice in one day and both times it was to bitch at me and neither of them did she wish me a happy birthday. We got home showered and headed to the bar. Julain had made the mistake of telling his Girlfreind Melinda the story of me and the girl from the night before(I'm sorry if you read this sometime and are pissed that I don't remember your name but such is life sorry) I was taling to a girl that I had been interested in for some time, she was a friend of a friend and for the first time I had the guts to actually start hitting on her and making advances. Melinda(Julian's girlfriend and her roomate Ang) decide that they are going to give me my birthday gift its a nice homemade card that says on the front. You Had SEX!!! I open the card and inside in big bold letters "WITH A GIRL", I look beside me and the girl I was talking to is nowhere to be seen, I contemplate stabbing myself in the neck with a pencil or trying to slash my own throat with a dull spoon.
The night wears down to an end and Julain and I start walking home Dan had left earlier so he wa not able to give us a ride. On the walk home Julian and I discuss whether or not I will have a job tomorrow when we get to work, the conclusion we both come to is porbably not. It is no longer my Birtday and I regard it as quite possibly the worst birthday I have ever had quite possibly one of the worst days I have ever experienced and I conciously just decide that I want this day to be over thank god I am on my way home I can sleep.
but just my luck this day is not through with me yet.
To Be Continued.....
So after getting home at 7:10am I am glad to see that I don't actualy start work till 1pm so I am able to get some sleep. I set my alarm clock for 11am that ways Julain and I both have time to get showered and shit before we have to be at work. I hit the sack and fall asleep for what seems like nanoseconds when Dan knocks on my door there is someone on the phone for me. I answer it very grogilly, it is my sister in law Joan, now I don't remember exactly how the conversation went, I do remember somethnig about me not spending enough time with my neice and nephew or talking to my brother as often as she thought I should and I remember ahnging up on her and turning off the phone to go back to sleep. But once again Dan and Charlene are fighting this time Julian gets invilved and eventually so do I. We all hate her even Dan and today is the straw the breaks the camels back and Dan boots her to the curb. We decide that tonight being a Monday we are going to hit the Bistro in Hull say hi to vince chill with Kev and the rest of the crowd and celebrate our good fortune that a)I am 23 years old and b) Charlene is out of our lives.
Julain and I make it to work on time and get dressed in our shirts and ties. We both clock in and hit the phones. Our job consists of both lead generation and then getting the leads in for open houses and trying to get them to buy a membership to our exclusive club, it was a great position and i enjoyed it immensely. Julian and I Had only been at the Job for roughly 2 weeks but we both really liked it. My sister inlaw decided that she was going to put my job in jeopardy by calling me at work and being rude to the receptionist when she said she was unable to transfer her to me(she just worked in a different department it was not possible) My boss gave me a bit of a reaming but it was understandable had I been in his position I would have done the same(none the less I was still really pissed at my sister in law). My day continued Rather uneventfully. It came time to do our open houses for the evening and none of mine decided to show up, my boss was a little upset and decided to hand me one of his deals to close. It should have been an open shut deal but i screwed it up and cost my boss $2600. Needless to say he was pissed and I was pretty sure that i no longer had a job.
Work was finished, and Julain and I headed home to comence with the celebrating, I was getting a little pissed at the fact that my sister had called me twice in one day and both times it was to bitch at me and neither of them did she wish me a happy birthday. We got home showered and headed to the bar. Julain had made the mistake of telling his Girlfreind Melinda the story of me and the girl from the night before(I'm sorry if you read this sometime and are pissed that I don't remember your name but such is life sorry) I was taling to a girl that I had been interested in for some time, she was a friend of a friend and for the first time I had the guts to actually start hitting on her and making advances. Melinda(Julian's girlfriend and her roomate Ang) decide that they are going to give me my birthday gift its a nice homemade card that says on the front. You Had SEX!!! I open the card and inside in big bold letters "WITH A GIRL", I look beside me and the girl I was talking to is nowhere to be seen, I contemplate stabbing myself in the neck with a pencil or trying to slash my own throat with a dull spoon.
The night wears down to an end and Julain and I start walking home Dan had left earlier so he wa not able to give us a ride. On the walk home Julian and I discuss whether or not I will have a job tomorrow when we get to work, the conclusion we both come to is porbably not. It is no longer my Birtday and I regard it as quite possibly the worst birthday I have ever had quite possibly one of the worst days I have ever experienced and I conciously just decide that I want this day to be over thank god I am on my way home I can sleep.
but just my luck this day is not through with me yet.
To Be Continued.....
Tim And Julian Hitchhike to Halifax Part 1
September 2nd 2002
Rod comes to pick me up so that we as usual can drive around the city mindlessly smoking a ton of pot and checking out chicks until we feel like finding a bar and going in. most of our weekends end up like this. We drive around downtown Ottawa and the Byward Market blazed out of our minds while we look at a ton of women that frankly I would never get but Rod can't seem to avoid. I beg him, to tell me his secret, I offer him money, but he does not tell me. I begin to picture Rod at home selling his soul to the devil and frankly yes everyone the Devil does look like Ned Flanders Deal with it.
We continue driving till roughly 10 or 11 pm and thats when the bars begin to pick up. On this night we decide first that we are going to hit the fire station on Elgin street, its a pretty good bar I had frequented it quite often years before with my Ex-Fiance Crystal and My brothers but had not been there in quite some time. The bar was not much different than I remembered they still had the hottest beer girls and shooter girls that would all flirt with you simply so that you would give them more money.
There are 4 different kinds of waitresses/bar matrons.
1. The Nice Girl. This girl is the kind of girl that will be nice to you make polite conversation laugh at your jokes and ask your name. These girls can be deadly to your reputation simply because you actually believe them and end up looking like a complete idiot when you try to show off to your freinds by asking her phone number and she smacks you down like Andre the giant Swatting a mosquito.
2. The Bitch. This girl is honestly my favorite simply because there are no mixed signals, this girls does not give a shit about you or anyone of your friends. She does not flirt with you she barely even looks at you, but you are still totally happy to give her your money for the simple fact that she is smoking hot and you would give your her your left nut and John the baptists head on a platter for a run at her in the sack.
3. The Psychopath. This girl tries way to hard she flirts with you she practiacally strips for you and shoves her panties in your face just for the ability to serve your drinks. Most guys can see through this total facade and get away from them because honestly most often with these girls your order is wrong and if you were to even try to date her she would end up slitting her wrists in a seedy bar washroom the first time you told her no to Dancing.The only guys that seem to respond to this kind of girl are basically the kind of guys you found crying in the bathroom stalls at lunch hour in high school. Basically picture the 1 or 2 guys in your high school that you think would have been capable of pulling a Columbine and there you go.
4. The PDA Beer Girl. This girls is my favorite cause she lets you know exactly what she wants, these are generally the bar girls You will end up going home with(but make no mistake even if she tells you you are the first.. YOU ARE NOT THE FIRST, You won't be the last, and you should probably laugh yourself all the way to the free clinc the next morning to get tested. )
The best thing about these girls is that you can not mistake it if they are interested in you, they give you free drinks they slip you their phone number in with one of them and they spend so much time talking to just you that she should probably be fired.
For some reason all I can muster on this night is the bitch or psychopoath all the other girls are too busy with other people. Rod anad I decide to hit Club Iguana instead, we get there sometime near 11:30 pm and order a couple of drinks I check out this one girl Heather who I met once before at a rave when the Club Atomic was still open. I remembered offering her a Jolly rancher and having her attack me physically(in a good way) we ended up making out for most of the party(God i miss E). We chat for a bit, and for once it looks like the night might be looking up, then her boyfriend comes up and puts the Kebosh on my hopes with her. But in our coversation I had mentioned that September 3rd was my bday and she announced it to the dj after midnight. I got offered drink after drink from people I had known from times hanging out at the bar before(friends of friends of my ex Crystal). By the time the bar closes I am so tanked I don't care that I am once again going home without getting the opportunity to dip my wick.
Rod and I are sitting outside the bar and we mention that it would be awesome to go swimming 2 girls pipe up behind him that they are going swimming at their place and ask us if we would like to join them. The girls are moderately cute(or at least thats what the beer goggles say) so we jump on it and are off. We do the swimming thing and then end up hooking up and before I know it we are being ushered out of the house, apparenlty one of them is leaving that morning for Guelph University and needs us to leave(funny I thought school started in august) I could care less I was happy it was my birthday and I had gotten laid. Time to go home and get some sleep before I have to be at work.
Or So I thought.
To be Continued.
Rod comes to pick me up so that we as usual can drive around the city mindlessly smoking a ton of pot and checking out chicks until we feel like finding a bar and going in. most of our weekends end up like this. We drive around downtown Ottawa and the Byward Market blazed out of our minds while we look at a ton of women that frankly I would never get but Rod can't seem to avoid. I beg him, to tell me his secret, I offer him money, but he does not tell me. I begin to picture Rod at home selling his soul to the devil and frankly yes everyone the Devil does look like Ned Flanders Deal with it.
We continue driving till roughly 10 or 11 pm and thats when the bars begin to pick up. On this night we decide first that we are going to hit the fire station on Elgin street, its a pretty good bar I had frequented it quite often years before with my Ex-Fiance Crystal and My brothers but had not been there in quite some time. The bar was not much different than I remembered they still had the hottest beer girls and shooter girls that would all flirt with you simply so that you would give them more money.
There are 4 different kinds of waitresses/bar matrons.
1. The Nice Girl. This girl is the kind of girl that will be nice to you make polite conversation laugh at your jokes and ask your name. These girls can be deadly to your reputation simply because you actually believe them and end up looking like a complete idiot when you try to show off to your freinds by asking her phone number and she smacks you down like Andre the giant Swatting a mosquito.
2. The Bitch. This girl is honestly my favorite simply because there are no mixed signals, this girls does not give a shit about you or anyone of your friends. She does not flirt with you she barely even looks at you, but you are still totally happy to give her your money for the simple fact that she is smoking hot and you would give your her your left nut and John the baptists head on a platter for a run at her in the sack.
3. The Psychopath. This girl tries way to hard she flirts with you she practiacally strips for you and shoves her panties in your face just for the ability to serve your drinks. Most guys can see through this total facade and get away from them because honestly most often with these girls your order is wrong and if you were to even try to date her she would end up slitting her wrists in a seedy bar washroom the first time you told her no to Dancing.The only guys that seem to respond to this kind of girl are basically the kind of guys you found crying in the bathroom stalls at lunch hour in high school. Basically picture the 1 or 2 guys in your high school that you think would have been capable of pulling a Columbine and there you go.
4. The PDA Beer Girl. This girls is my favorite cause she lets you know exactly what she wants, these are generally the bar girls You will end up going home with(but make no mistake even if she tells you you are the first.. YOU ARE NOT THE FIRST, You won't be the last, and you should probably laugh yourself all the way to the free clinc the next morning to get tested. )
The best thing about these girls is that you can not mistake it if they are interested in you, they give you free drinks they slip you their phone number in with one of them and they spend so much time talking to just you that she should probably be fired.
For some reason all I can muster on this night is the bitch or psychopoath all the other girls are too busy with other people. Rod anad I decide to hit Club Iguana instead, we get there sometime near 11:30 pm and order a couple of drinks I check out this one girl Heather who I met once before at a rave when the Club Atomic was still open. I remembered offering her a Jolly rancher and having her attack me physically(in a good way) we ended up making out for most of the party(God i miss E). We chat for a bit, and for once it looks like the night might be looking up, then her boyfriend comes up and puts the Kebosh on my hopes with her. But in our coversation I had mentioned that September 3rd was my bday and she announced it to the dj after midnight. I got offered drink after drink from people I had known from times hanging out at the bar before(friends of friends of my ex Crystal). By the time the bar closes I am so tanked I don't care that I am once again going home without getting the opportunity to dip my wick.
Rod and I are sitting outside the bar and we mention that it would be awesome to go swimming 2 girls pipe up behind him that they are going swimming at their place and ask us if we would like to join them. The girls are moderately cute(or at least thats what the beer goggles say) so we jump on it and are off. We do the swimming thing and then end up hooking up and before I know it we are being ushered out of the house, apparenlty one of them is leaving that morning for Guelph University and needs us to leave(funny I thought school started in august) I could care less I was happy it was my birthday and I had gotten laid. Time to go home and get some sleep before I have to be at work.
Or So I thought.
To be Continued.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Sunday June 16th 2006
Welcome to my blog, for all those deciding to read this this is going to be a daily posting of my thoughts on love, dating, my daughter and thoughts of homicide years before she even becomes a teenager. not to mention other folies in my life leading up to where I am today.
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