Tim And Julian Hitchhike to Halifax Part 1

September 2nd 2002

Rod comes to pick me up so that we as usual can drive around the city mindlessly smoking a ton of pot and checking out chicks until we feel like finding a bar and going in. most of our weekends end up like this. We drive around downtown Ottawa and the Byward Market blazed out of our minds while we look at a ton of women that frankly I would never get but Rod can't seem to avoid. I beg him, to tell me his secret, I offer him money, but he does not tell me. I begin to picture Rod at home selling his soul to the devil and frankly yes everyone the Devil does look like Ned Flanders Deal with it.

We continue driving till roughly 10 or 11 pm and thats when the bars begin to pick up. On this night we decide first that we are going to hit the fire station on Elgin street, its a pretty good bar I had frequented it quite often years before with my Ex-Fiance Crystal and My brothers but had not been there in quite some time. The bar was not much different than I remembered they still had the hottest beer girls and shooter girls that would all flirt with you simply so that you would give them more money.

There are 4 different kinds of waitresses/bar matrons.

1. The Nice Girl. This girl is the kind of girl that will be nice to you make polite conversation laugh at your jokes and ask your name. These girls can be deadly to your reputation simply because you actually believe them and end up looking like a complete idiot when you try to show off to your freinds by asking her phone number and she smacks you down like Andre the giant Swatting a mosquito.

2. The Bitch. This girl is honestly my favorite simply because there are no mixed signals, this girls does not give a shit about you or anyone of your friends. She does not flirt with you she barely even looks at you, but you are still totally happy to give her your money for the simple fact that she is smoking hot and you would give your her your left nut and John the baptists head on a platter for a run at her in the sack.

3. The Psychopath. This girl tries way to hard she flirts with you she practiacally strips for you and shoves her panties in your face just for the ability to serve your drinks. Most guys can see through this total facade and get away from them because honestly most often with these girls your order is wrong and if you were to even try to date her she would end up slitting her wrists in a seedy bar washroom the first time you told her no to Dancing.The only guys that seem to respond to this kind of girl are basically the kind of guys you found crying in the bathroom stalls at lunch hour in high school. Basically picture the 1 or 2 guys in your high school that you think would have been capable of pulling a Columbine and there you go.

4. The PDA Beer Girl. This girls is my favorite cause she lets you know exactly what she wants, these are generally the bar girls You will end up going home with(but make no mistake even if she tells you you are the first.. YOU ARE NOT THE FIRST, You won't be the last, and you should probably laugh yourself all the way to the free clinc the next morning to get tested. )
The best thing about these girls is that you can not mistake it if they are interested in you, they give you free drinks they slip you their phone number in with one of them and they spend so much time talking to just you that she should probably be fired.

For some reason all I can muster on this night is the bitch or psychopoath all the other girls are too busy with other people. Rod anad I decide to hit Club Iguana instead, we get there sometime near 11:30 pm and order a couple of drinks I check out this one girl Heather who I met once before at a rave when the Club Atomic was still open. I remembered offering her a Jolly rancher and having her attack me physically(in a good way) we ended up making out for most of the party(God i miss E). We chat for a bit, and for once it looks like the night might be looking up, then her boyfriend comes up and puts the Kebosh on my hopes with her. But in our coversation I had mentioned that September 3rd was my bday and she announced it to the dj after midnight. I got offered drink after drink from people I had known from times hanging out at the bar before(friends of friends of my ex Crystal). By the time the bar closes I am so tanked I don't care that I am once again going home without getting the opportunity to dip my wick.

Rod and I are sitting outside the bar and we mention that it would be awesome to go swimming 2 girls pipe up behind him that they are going swimming at their place and ask us if we would like to join them. The girls are moderately cute(or at least thats what the beer goggles say) so we jump on it and are off. We do the swimming thing and then end up hooking up and before I know it we are being ushered out of the house, apparenlty one of them is leaving that morning for Guelph University and needs us to leave(funny I thought school started in august) I could care less I was happy it was my birthday and I had gotten laid. Time to go home and get some sleep before I have to be at work.

Or So I thought.
To be Continued.